The
Jack Schitt Family
Memorial Webpage
Below is an ancestry report on the Jack Schitt family genealogy. Sadly, I think we are related
to this family in too many ways, shapes, and forms, possibly even genetically.
— William Donnelly – 2025
My name is Jason, and people often tell me I don't know Jack Shit.
They would be wrong.
I know Jack Schitt — I'm his 4th cousin on my mother's side. What follows is an ancestry genealogy report I found written by someone in the Schitt families, which I (Jason) have updated with my own research and editing.
Who Is Jack Schitt???
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Going back to the late 1800's, Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Krappe, who was then known as O. Schitt. They became sole owners of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. when Schitt's partner, Proctology Needeep, Esq., sold out to them. They resided in Upper Schitt's Creek, Kentucky. (it is rumored Awe Schitt emigrated from Germany, so more research needs to be done) Note that their fortunes were lost along the way by their son, JJ, who apparently didn't know Jack Shit about the Schitt family business.
(As these things go, another Rabbit Hole would be the Krappe family, including father Takeah Krappe, mother Cutda Krappe, sister Fullo Krappe, and brothers Eet Krappe, Pileoh Krappe, and Holy Krappe (the latter, a minister, who officiated the Krappe-Schitt and Krappe-Shoote weddings), among many others; families tend to be large in the greater "Okie" area)
Awe and Oopsy Daisy had two sons, Jack Schitt (here), and Loose Schitt, another branch of the Schitt family. (there is also rumored to be another child, Oh Schitt, possibly adopted, who might have run away from home and become something of a Wayward Son, perhaps seeking Adventures, or Fortune, or Circus work – additional research pending)
I won't go much into that other branch, but suffice to say Loose Schitt married Goode Grief, who then became known as Goode Schitt. One day I'll expand on that side of the family. There are apparently some very interesting and humorous stories about one of their children, Crocka Schitt, who, funny enough, married into the Giggles family. The Schitts and Giggles are truly a fascinating bunch.
At least one of their children died at a relatively young age, Tokkin Schitt. And another, Taken Schitt, who suffered from severe depression, committed the suicide. But it's not all sad stories.
Their son, Dr. Bartholomew 'Bat' Schitt, the first one in the early greater Schitt family to graduate from University (barely), became a Doctor of Psychiatry. Unfortunately, he apparently later enjoyed delving too much into the personal uses of his practice pharmacology, and eventually, Bat Schitt went Crazy, was institutionalized, contracted Amoebic Dysentery, and literally shit himself to death. In retrospect, I suppose all lives end in tragedy, one way or another.
Again, I haven't looked that much into this branch of the family, but, somewhere down the line, their name was changed to "Schitts", starting with Tou Schitts. There's probably an interesting story there, as well.
ANYWAY, Jack Schitt married Noe Duh, who then became Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced seven children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, Lotta Shit, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Holie Schitt, their first child, died shortly after childbirth. I have a photo of her sad little gravestone, located in the Schitt Family Cemetery in Boonducks, KY.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dum Schitt Shoote, an Nth cousin, and a high school dropout. (known by his friends as Schitty — You know Kentucky – they were most probably all incestuously related somewhere down the line....)
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Stink, who was then known as Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. He joined the military but was later given a Dishonorable Discharge for Cowardice in the Face of the Enemy.
Two of the other seven children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood, and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, Horace Schitt, and Cowl Schitt, who worked the family farm well into the mid-1900s.
(an interesting anecdote about Giva Schitt's marriage, was that she apparently had a beau who she threw off, Gawd Damn, who was still in love with her, and who, at her marriage, when the preacher asked, 'If there is anyone present who knows a reason why these couples should not be joined together, speak now, or forever hold your peace', jumped up and yelled, "Don't Giva Schitt!" He was quickly subdued by the groom's family members, which is probably a good thing, since Giva Schitt's middle name was Fukkin — although, six of one, a half dozen of another....)
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He eventually returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Before long they had a son, Haught Schitt, verified with a Birth Notice in the paper announcing the birth of Baby Schitt. He became an actor and, along with his parents, ran The Traveling Schitt Show. Haught Shit had a first son, Tuff Shit, who became a Welter Weight Boxer. He had a second son, Shootda Schitt, who became a Sheriff and died 'out West' in a bank robbery gunfight. He was apparently well known to be a creative Confabulist, although none of his stories made it to print and are lost to time.
So that about covers it to date. All I have so far. Like I said, there is more ancestry research to be done.
Anyway, now, when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.
– Jason Shinola
February 2025
(The above is from a fairly well known Internet meme story, authorship unknown, of which there are many variations, which I enhanced quite a bit and made arguably better. – William Donnelly circa February 2025 — Portions Copyright (c) 2025)
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